iThink: Peace Thoughts

There are six billion of us who right now are roaming around the Earth – six billion people wrecking havoc at places and leaving a nasty imprint at every soil they step on. We are uncontrollable, undaunted by the threat of humanity’s end which springs from our selfishness and greed for wealth and power.

Yes, I said that right. Each one of us in certain ways contribute to building the wall that keep us farther away from attaining genuine peace on Earth. Even the self-confessed advocates of peace may unconsciously give their own share in the rising wall. Try to answer these honestly: How many times have you failed to simply flash a “true” smile to another person whom you come across with on your way to work just because you are busy thinking about how you can accomplish a task successfully to earn a promotion?; How many times did you forgive other persons’ misgivings even though they are consistently making your life miserable day after day?; How many times have you reflected about whether you hurt someone with your words and actions and planned to accept your fault and sincerely apologize for it in the earliest possible time?; When have you thanked God for giving you another day on Earth, not because you need it but because you can complete other persons’ existence through it?

John Donne once said, “No man is an island entire of itself, every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the whole…” We exist all because somebody else exists. A person’s destiny is determined by another person’s choices and decisions in life. If that is so, why do we need to fight over an issue only to find out later that we can solve it at an open and peaceful dialogue? Why should powerful countries launch wars and engage in more bloodshed with other countries to attain the most-coveted peaceful living? It is said that a mistake, no matter how simple or complicated, no matter how big or small can and will never be solved by another mistake.

We are dubbed as the highest form of being on Earth for we are endowed with wisdom – wisdom that allows us to discriminate those which is right and which is wrong, those which can hurt or which can elevate morale and those which can help a person realize his potentials or can destroy his hope for success. But why does it seem like we haven’t perfected those gifts yet despite all the generations that passed before us? There are so many questions yet only a few have answers.

In consideration of all of these, I envision a world where people respect one another. One, where the populace is sensitive about each other’s feelings and not one where everyone tries to reach the pinnacle at the cost of stepping down at somebody else. I am dreaming of a world where we, the people realize the importance of other person’s existence for without them our existence wouldn’t also be possible. I yearn for a society where people are honest with what they think and feel because by honesty, all other good things will come.

Respect. Sensitivity. Honesty. These are three simple words that are vital to achieving genuine peace on Earth. It may be impossible to force other people to practice these three but if we start it with ourselves, since we are in some ways interconnected with one another, the chance of achieving that most sought-after prize will be a 100% possibility in the future.

However, I must admit that my voice, energy and resources in promoting this advocacy are incomparable with those of big organizations dedicated to promoting peace but I know that as a simple teacher, my words will live on in the hearts and minds of my students even after my life here on Earth ends. My hopes are high that one of them will someday become a catalyst of the genuine and lasting peace that the past generation started to envision since time immemorial and that we of today’s generation are still painstakingly seeking for.

iThink: Why I Regret Choosing SMART Bro

Look at the Download Speed.

(That's equivalent to 20Kbps! EVEN SLOWER THAN DIAL-UP!

for the "Up to 2Mbps" they say in the ads.)

For those who are planning to subscribe to SMART Bro in Quezon Province, be forewarned. Do not be fooled by their ads because it's definitely misleading and deceiving.

I have subscribed to their Unlimited Internet Plan 999 Plug-It last March 25 and since then, i can say I am not truly satisfied with the service I am receiving. I opted for SMART instead of other internet service provider, first, because they are the only provider who offers Unlimited Internet for their Plug-It and secondly, I thought all along that their service is better than the others because they are partners of PLDT. I have PLDT at home, in Lucena as my internet provider and it never failed from giving me the speed I am paying for. If only PLDT DSL can be carried anywhere, I wouldn't have been deceived by SMART.

I tried the Plug-it in Lucena City first before I went back to Lucban, Quezon. It did not go well. In fact, I did a speedtest and it just gave me about 0.10 Mbps download speed. I thought that maybe it just needs a good signal (though it has 3 bars of HSDPA then).

I went back to Lucban. I reside in a place close to the SMART tower. But in my first three days, I could not even play a youtube video nor could I open www.speedtest.net without waiting for minutes for them to load. So I contacted their customer service representative to inquire about my problem. They asked about my laptop's specs. Probably, they could not find any loopholes from my system all because it was just two weeks old. They promised to act on my case. After two days, I followed-up my concern and only then did I see some results. For two days, the speed improved quite a bit yet still reaching probably 200Kbps. After two days, it went back again to even slower than before I complained. During those two days, I expected more than 200Kbps because they said it could reach up to 2Mbps yet I never even felt half of that speed.

So I just waited for the month to end, paid my bills on time, waited and waited for another month, hoping they're doing everything to fix the problem, paid the next bill on time but still, no good results.

This is the second month already. I came to realize that I've been fooled by the company to be tied with them for two years and to earn 24, ooo pesos from me for the 24-month contract I signed in.

Look at the Receive Rate. Look at the Signal.

The receive rate is 0.00 even though I have full bars of 3G!

I became furious for the sluggish connection. I can't watch videos from the internet. I can't even open websites because the receive rate is always down at 0.00 eventhough I have five full bars of HSDPA signal! I've read a lot of hate posts in the internet regarding the services of SMART Bro and I was infuriated even more by the fact that they are fooling not only me, but probably majority of their customers. If you would look at the user rating at www.speedtest.net, you'd be surprised that SMART Broadband Inc. only received 2 out 5 satisfaction rating.

Everytime I call their customer hotline, they always ask me the same things. They do not want to admit that it's their network who's got the problem, not their users. They once told me that the speed also depends upon the number of users on the network. So, does that mean that their customers are to be blamed for slowing down the connection speed? Is it fair to blame customers who are using the service they are loyally paying for the slow connection? Well then, why are they still accepting more subscribers if they know their system can't hold that much? They should have mentioned in their ads or their employees, before their customers sign the contract, should have said that the "UP TO 2MBPS" speed they are boasting is TO BE SHARED and cannot be individually enjoyed. At least I would not be complaining like this if they informed me.

I e-mailed certain authorities about the problem and I hope they'd do something about this. I also learned that it's not only me who has this problem, but there are 2000 of us whom I can assure who are experiencing these problems. And I know there are more...

I hope someday, SMART would get better.

But right now, if you want to to experience the same thing, I'm urging you to visit your nearest SMART Wireless Center!

iThink: Modern-day Vampires

Ask a learned kid about how much he knows about the world and he would immediately respond, without hesitation, with pride and affirmation that it's a planet, elliptical, almost circular in shape consisting of a larger percentage of water, arable and non-arable soil, minerals of unparalleled number and extensively populated by mankind.

If that's the way you picture this planet, considering the time you've spent roaming around its conspicuous or sometimes obscured corners, then you just have to admit that you haven't grown at all regardless of your age.

I must confess that time has left me somewhere where winds lack the strength to carry me away from the confines of innocence. 

A teacher from the school where I do my practice teaching once stressed that I have "an air of a genius" on the very first day she saw me. Adding more substance to her speculation, my classmates revealed that I have a good academic standing for I am bound to receive some recognition on our graduation. Well, it's not something that would give me enough money to uplift my family's economic status so, being proud of it might not be the right term to attach to it.

Talking about genius, for quite some time, I defined the term as having the knowledge about what respectable books claim to be true, being able to effectively apply them in real life and accepting the fact that it is something to be shared rather than kept. And so, I wormed my way out of orthodoxy and decided to follow the footsteps of the wise.

I'm under the impression that the latter two deserve a nod while my first notion is just a parcel of the whole I need to have.

I once thought that books or any other written accounts can answer every possible question a person may pose on a wide expanse of topics. It's because of the idea that writers, more often than not, recreate and immortalize real human experiences on paper only tapping them a bit to invite a wider audience at their feet.

Now, I came to the conclusion that I am missing the broader picture of the real world. Ignorant? Innocent? Call me both.

I live in a city so urbanized and progressive that it is fair enough to mention it being virtually close to the conditions of Manila particularly at daylight, or so I once thought. The hustle and bustle of the day for business transactions has never dawned on me to be similar to the night's silent trade. Money rolls day after day in our locality but it also does night after night, as I have recently learned.

If businesses related to economics are the main agenda for the day, businesses pertaining to personal human necessities, which is inexcusably an understatement, feed on the rays of the moon.

The trade usually satisfies Adam and "slightly" Adam's lot - the vampires if you'd permit me to refer. I now believe more than ever that mysteries do happen at night thanks to a couple of friends who opened my eyes to see the other, more furtive side of the coin. 

The feast begins as early as nine at night where these vampires, tired from the hassles of hiding under the professional wardrobe yet hungry for human flesh, hunt for the potential "snack" or "dinner" that could put their surging hormones at bay.

If you'd like to catch the best among the preys, you better make sure to hunt not later than midnight flashing your most attractive bait, which of course, is no other than cold cash. Otherwise, you'll have to settle yourself with the residues left behind. Well, that works fine if you're caught at the middle of some financial crisis. Just don't expect something great out of your prey for they might smell and look like werewolves or something.

You don't need to have abilities like running fast, reading minds, or predicting the future for they are inessential to your hunt. Your eyes are enough to pass the message of interest to your prey. By the way, you're a predator, remember? Something about you should invite your prey to fall right into your lap without exerting much effort. Good looks, wealth or both can sometimes do the thing.

On the occasion that your prey's eyes meet your gaze, you'd know if it's willing if it went to follow you. In the real world, preys have a say if they would agree to be your late dinner or not. And that's a rule of the thumb unless desperation comes in.

You'd have to stop at a corner, bargain its price, have a memorandum of agreement in your heads, verbally signed and close the deal if you settled the score properly.

After that, whatever you plan to do with your dinner, be careful not to go off the provisions of your MOA or you might get into  big trouble.

Pricing however, is not a fixed one for it is not monitored by the DTI. The authority is asleep while vampires do the hunting. If not, they themselves are closet vampires who usually join the coven as they move out of their office upon twilight - their safest part of the day. If you're a prey, you'd surely see some of the big fish either in a coven or just by themselves flashing their golden fangs.

Educated-looking preys normally have a four to five digit price tag. If these predators don't seem to have a thicker pocket for the night, street children who aimlessly wonder Eros' street might agree with a two-digit price tag.

The night is long for the vampires. They can choose to fatten their prey with alcohol before he do his thing. This I learned, is a key to unlock the barrier both parties have set at first in the MOA. The prey would be so much wasted as it would never remember anything that happened while predator eats his sumptuous dinner.

As the sun bids another day, the vampires immediately go back to their lairs as if nothing happened at all. They would put on their disguise - their professional wardrobe, wearing a sardonic smile and vigor, forcing a pretentious move they are so much accustomed with and hoping the day to end fast. The only traceable evidence of the feast and the hunt are dark-hued circles forming in their pale-looking eyes.

It’s hard to imagine that beside the world I thought to be, another one, more stale, more gruesome is lurking just around the corner when my frail body submits to the circadian rhythm at night.

What was once personal, intimate and divine is now posing to be the next big trade to hit the stock market – a reality we should all face. Sadly, where development gains ground, vampires lay their coven’s cornerstone with needy and desperate preys who were sank down by the high standard of living, as the primary commodity of the trade.

Solution? If the hunting stops, immorality can too. And I doubt this would ever happen. It’s human nature.

iThink: an epistle of love

At first, I intended to write a story, but instead, I came up with this, a letter. I guess it would best convey the message I intend to give. So, here it goes:

My dearest angel,

I thought my feelings for you are over and done already. I hate the idea that my thoughts deceived me once again. I just can't hide the fact that my heart still calls for your name. That it never healed the wounds I tried to inflict into it just to force it to forget you because I know all along that you are together with a worthier man, I, myself couldn't ever match.

When we meet from time to time, I thought a period is already drawn between you and me. Little chats with matters that don't even concern us made me believe that I have totally forgotten the things I tried to hide from you ever since we were together as schoolmates, as friends. 

Friendship. That's the only thing we could both share and for several years, I clung to that and pressed this incessant beating of my heart to a stop. I buried everything. My hopes, my wishes, my future plans with you, my courage to confess this love I especially hid from you during those times I sought after the answers to questions that continue to bug me even up to now.

I don't deserve you. You deserve someone better who would replicate the tender love and care you could give. Someone who would spend precious time for you and who would spare moments from his busy schedule to keep in touch with you. I knew this already ever since -  that I could never supply the same happiness you already have with him. If you ask me, I'm very much happy for you because you found someone who could return that perfect feeling you ideally drew in the air when we were younger, when we were more carefree, when I thought we could have a chance together.

I deeply apologize for not telling you before that what I feel for you is no longer of friendship but something more tender, more pressing, more amazing, more euphoric that seeps deeply into the bones. I feel like I betrayed you, but please, don't get upset. I did that to save you from anguish because had I win your heart, you might just suffer from my mood swings, from this eternal hate I feel for myself.

Yes, I buried everything and I know perfectly well that the soil I used to seal that love into the abyss of darkness has turned rock solid in time. But I never had a single hint that everything would turn back the moment you put your hand in my shoulder. I think you have forgotten that instance, which happened just recently when we met, when your smooth hand touched my shoulder when you were about to give me something.

There seemed to have a loud bang that heralded how my love has never wavered in time. Something like lightning struck my heart in that exact moment when you pressed your hand against my shoulder. Something words can never express told me that you are indeed who I need, like in those moments on movies where the world stopped spinning and a voice proclaims: she is the girl you will spend your lifetime with.

Everything I buried, even sorrows and grief I forced to keep mum and lay hidden behind the smiles I wear every minute of the day struck me flatly in that instant. So, I said, I can't really teach this heart to retreat and seek another.

I tried to divert my thoughts to other things just to force back those feelings that sprang again in a single jolt. But every time I secretly catch your eyes, blood surge in my arteries and I couldn't control the beating that became more rapid and uncontrollable.

I managed to control it though. But when I arrived home all with those crazy antics we had that day frenzying into my head, when I was about to get some rest, when I closed my eyes, the thoughts, feelings and those that suddenly sprang up all turned back revolving constantly in my brain. Then, at the center, I saw your face. The angelic face I so adored before, prevented me from getting an early rest. 

All my regrets, sorrows, grievances and grudges for not having the courage to tell you what I feel before returned mocking me more and more and making me dismayed for not being some other person who have certain qualities you definitely would be proud of. I detested fate for letting me meet you at a time when I am most powerless and weak. At the same time, I hated myself for thinking negatively even before I ever took the very first step in the pursuit of your heart.

Until now, at this age, I'm still at the state of frivolous confusion. Somewhere around this world, I know I can find that missing piece in the puzzle that for so long exhausted my energy and will to seek another soul. I hate to think that you are that missing chip because I know I no longer have the right to contest for your heart now that someone already possess that fragile piece.

If ever I could turn back time and have the chance to redo something, I will still do the same - keep my love hidden from your sight. You know why? It's because I don't want your hands to get soiled in my endless search for myself. I don't want to see you shedding tears in my fruitless quest to discover who I am and who I should be that even at this moment is still covered with haze that constantly add more pain in my being. You're so special that I can't see you walking beside me tirelessly into a hot desert to look for my life's oasis. 

And so, I let you drift in the current alone, hoping that somehow, somewhere, someone could see you to bring you to the safer side of the stream. I'm glad that he saw you. But I think, no matter how much I try to win you back in proper time, I already know your heart will never be mine...

PS: I specially dedicate this song to you, which pretty much contains what my heart personally wants to tell you. I hope you could spare some time to listen to it...

FALL FOR YOU by Second Hand Serenade

Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry
call I'm desperate for your voice
Listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It's playing on repeat, Just like when we would meet
Like when we would meet

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Stripped and polished, I am new, I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh
Cause every breath that you will take
when you are sitting next to me
will bring life into my deepest hopes, What's your fantasy?
(What's your, what's your, what's your...)

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home [x4]
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

iThink: who am i?

For quite some time, I've been perplexed with this question. It may bewilder you, but that's just the fact. I don't really know who I am at this point in time, or even worse, I think I haven't really discovered myself in my entire existence yet. There are things which a part of me tells that I have to do this but the other half insists that I do that.

Nothing, I guess is more hateful than being ignorant of who you are and who you are not. The distance between the two is just as far as the earth and the sky and just like these two, they can never meet halfway through the middle. But then, why do I still keep on facing towards the location where illusion sets a sturdy boundary from reality? Oh, I'm so confused.

I feel like I'm trying to catch an illusive bird but though the effort is fruitless, I still try my luck. This may sound like a silly comparison, but this is just what I feel. 

Apart from this, another thing that vexxes me the most all along is the question: who should I be? What would happen if I do this and that? Would I have a glimpse of the self I ideally placed in my head?

I hate to admit this but I'm terribly insecure with other people having the qualities I really like to have. Contentment, they say, is the only road to happiness. But I can't seem to settle completely and be contented with what I have, what I know and what I am.

How I wish I have someone who could show me the way out of this rough road. How I wish an angel would bring me light so that I could escape from the wilderness of the world I learn to hate. How I wish wishes could come true..

iThink: a christmas of lasts

There are so many things I have to bid farewell this Christmas. To wit, this is my last christmas as a

• student as I'll be graduating come April 09;
• boy as I think I'm about to turn into a man upon graduation;
• bum because I will need to look for a job that could make me well off
• stick because I'll force my body to gain more mass as fast as possible
• killjoy since I need to mingle with any kind of person for me to personally launch myself to the adult world

It's hard to say goodbye to things you've been used to especially when such things have personal attachments to yourself. For about twenty years, I have gone through the same cycle in life but next year, it's gonna be different no matter how refuse to accept the reality of the situation.

My Close-to-Worse Christmas

Speaking about this christmas season, I hate to mention that there's nothing really memorable I could sketch in my head to ponder with in my older years. Christmas season in the Philippines, as has been true and as has been attested by many Filipino expatriates, is considerably the most worth-keeping and most worth-waiting holiday in the year compared to some other race's celebration around the world.

But reminiscing my previous christmases, I'm afraid I'm quite disappointed to reveal how much of my expectations have failed to happen.

First thing, the weather hasn't been a friendly sunshine but it has been a gloomy downpour of rainshowers and a cold breeze of northeasterly wind. I wouldn't really mind the wind had the rains spared the day.

Second, Filipinos are accustomed to receiving aguinaldos [christmas gift in the form of a present or money] from their ninogs and ninangs [godparents] if not during Christmas but at least anytime around the season [from September to January 6]. Sadly, given the long Christmas celebration in the country, I haven't even heard a word of greeting from my godparents save my god mother in Alaminos Batangas who is a dear friend of my mother.

In addition, we have the tradition of doing house-to-house asking for aguinaldos on Christmas day much like trick or treating in the west. But then, only children not older than 12 or 13 have the liberty to do so as it is dauntingly embarassing for a teenager or older to be seen roaming around the neighborhood because it would look much like asking for alms unless you have a small kid you're accompanying as an excuse. Probably that's how it is for a boy who is about to embark officially in the adult world.

And so, instead of brooding over aguinaldos which might never come to my pockets, my siblings and I decided to spend Christmas by watching one of the featured movies in the Metro Manila Film Festival [MMFF], entitled "Ang Tanging Ina nyong Lahat" [roughly translated as Your Only Dear Mother], a film of "dramedy" [comedy + drama] in nature after beginning the day with a mass at our cathedral. It's quite a relief, though because I was able to let out a hearty laugh, at the same time freely allow a tear to fall from my sleep-deprived eyes. 

Going back home, as it has also been a custom, as far as I can recall, a relative or somebody close to the family is expected to come and visit us every 25th of December. Guess what? Not a single one came. Well, probably there might have been someone who came in the morning, but still if somewhat did, they would have informed me through text.

As a result, we are the ones who consumed all the food which were initially intended for visitors. You see, it's in the tradition of the Filipino race to be a lot merrier if somebody came to eat up what the host prepared even if it would mean that the family of the host would be deprived to have a taste of the best food they prepared. That is because it's a sign that somebody remembers you and came all the way from their place just to share the joy of the occasion with you. But then again, in our case, I felt nobody ever remembered to share their blessings with us by just coming to our place.

A Present for Myself

Thinking about this day worth-forgetting, I just bought myself presents which I always do every christmas. I bought two books entitled "madame Bovary" by Gustave Flaubert and "In the Presence of my Enemies" by Gracia Burnham as well as this years "Person of the Year" issue of TIME magazine.

I guess, these will only be the things memorable for this year's christmas day because I always make sure to write a simple history which gives me the idea when and where I purchased my books as well as how much it costed.

Now, I'm quite uncertain about how things will go in the coming new year. Still, my hopes are high for something memorable to come until this holiday season signal another year.

How about you? How did your Christmas go?