iThink: an epistle of love

At first, I intended to write a story, but instead, I came up with this, a letter. I guess it would best convey the message I intend to give. So, here it goes:

My dearest angel,

I thought my feelings for you are over and done already. I hate the idea that my thoughts deceived me once again. I just can't hide the fact that my heart still calls for your name. That it never healed the wounds I tried to inflict into it just to force it to forget you because I know all along that you are together with a worthier man, I, myself couldn't ever match.

When we meet from time to time, I thought a period is already drawn between you and me. Little chats with matters that don't even concern us made me believe that I have totally forgotten the things I tried to hide from you ever since we were together as schoolmates, as friends. 

Friendship. That's the only thing we could both share and for several years, I clung to that and pressed this incessant beating of my heart to a stop. I buried everything. My hopes, my wishes, my future plans with you, my courage to confess this love I especially hid from you during those times I sought after the answers to questions that continue to bug me even up to now.

I don't deserve you. You deserve someone better who would replicate the tender love and care you could give. Someone who would spend precious time for you and who would spare moments from his busy schedule to keep in touch with you. I knew this already ever since -  that I could never supply the same happiness you already have with him. If you ask me, I'm very much happy for you because you found someone who could return that perfect feeling you ideally drew in the air when we were younger, when we were more carefree, when I thought we could have a chance together.

I deeply apologize for not telling you before that what I feel for you is no longer of friendship but something more tender, more pressing, more amazing, more euphoric that seeps deeply into the bones. I feel like I betrayed you, but please, don't get upset. I did that to save you from anguish because had I win your heart, you might just suffer from my mood swings, from this eternal hate I feel for myself.

Yes, I buried everything and I know perfectly well that the soil I used to seal that love into the abyss of darkness has turned rock solid in time. But I never had a single hint that everything would turn back the moment you put your hand in my shoulder. I think you have forgotten that instance, which happened just recently when we met, when your smooth hand touched my shoulder when you were about to give me something.

There seemed to have a loud bang that heralded how my love has never wavered in time. Something like lightning struck my heart in that exact moment when you pressed your hand against my shoulder. Something words can never express told me that you are indeed who I need, like in those moments on movies where the world stopped spinning and a voice proclaims: she is the girl you will spend your lifetime with.

Everything I buried, even sorrows and grief I forced to keep mum and lay hidden behind the smiles I wear every minute of the day struck me flatly in that instant. So, I said, I can't really teach this heart to retreat and seek another.

I tried to divert my thoughts to other things just to force back those feelings that sprang again in a single jolt. But every time I secretly catch your eyes, blood surge in my arteries and I couldn't control the beating that became more rapid and uncontrollable.

I managed to control it though. But when I arrived home all with those crazy antics we had that day frenzying into my head, when I was about to get some rest, when I closed my eyes, the thoughts, feelings and those that suddenly sprang up all turned back revolving constantly in my brain. Then, at the center, I saw your face. The angelic face I so adored before, prevented me from getting an early rest. 

All my regrets, sorrows, grievances and grudges for not having the courage to tell you what I feel before returned mocking me more and more and making me dismayed for not being some other person who have certain qualities you definitely would be proud of. I detested fate for letting me meet you at a time when I am most powerless and weak. At the same time, I hated myself for thinking negatively even before I ever took the very first step in the pursuit of your heart.

Until now, at this age, I'm still at the state of frivolous confusion. Somewhere around this world, I know I can find that missing piece in the puzzle that for so long exhausted my energy and will to seek another soul. I hate to think that you are that missing chip because I know I no longer have the right to contest for your heart now that someone already possess that fragile piece.

If ever I could turn back time and have the chance to redo something, I will still do the same - keep my love hidden from your sight. You know why? It's because I don't want your hands to get soiled in my endless search for myself. I don't want to see you shedding tears in my fruitless quest to discover who I am and who I should be that even at this moment is still covered with haze that constantly add more pain in my being. You're so special that I can't see you walking beside me tirelessly into a hot desert to look for my life's oasis. 

And so, I let you drift in the current alone, hoping that somehow, somewhere, someone could see you to bring you to the safer side of the stream. I'm glad that he saw you. But I think, no matter how much I try to win you back in proper time, I already know your heart will never be mine...

PS: I specially dedicate this song to you, which pretty much contains what my heart personally wants to tell you. I hope you could spare some time to listen to it...

FALL FOR YOU by Second Hand Serenade

Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry
call I'm desperate for your voice
Listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It's playing on repeat, Just like when we would meet
Like when we would meet

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Stripped and polished, I am new, I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh
Cause every breath that you will take
when you are sitting next to me
will bring life into my deepest hopes, What's your fantasy?
(What's your, what's your, what's your...)

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home [x4]
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)